The 5 worst things about being a vegan on the Soundwave tour

Australian metalcore band I Killed The Prom Queen are gearing up to drop their new album Beloved this Friday, before heading out on tour with Soundwave. Ahead of their next festival adventure, frontman (and dedicated vegan bro) JONA WEINHOFEN shares the five worst things about being a tofu-loving metal dude on the Soundwave tour. Note: This piece contains satire.

In all honesty, these days festivals such as Soundwave and many European and USA-based festivals are becoming more and more vegan friendly. Festival catering is usually pretty amazing and very diet conscious, providing a range of food for vegan/vegetarians, gluten/lactose intolerant etc. However, there are always a few gripes to be had – and here are five of mine.

1. Chicken wings and drumsticks being served as food to the public

This results in a vegan’s worst nightmare: When you step out into the crowd and into a literal chicken graveyard. Last year we had to walk around the festival grounds on stilts, explaining to people that the specific form of protein needed to better your mosh skills actually comes from mushrooms.

2. Black metal bands always wanting to sacrifice something

There’s always a black metal band on Soundwave – usually from Scandinavia – and they’re constantly trying to spray the crowd with real pig’s blood, hang out with fly-infested goat’s heads on stage and sacrifice pigeons to their satanic musical gods. Their road cases stink out the entire back stage area and I’ve had to add clothes pegs to our rider just for our noses. Metal bands: Next time you want to sacrifice something on stage go out into the crowd, find the first person you see with a Southern Cross tattoo, and please consider replacing the pigeons and sheep with him.

3. Seclusion

Some of the festival sites are so far from the city centres that it means we have to travel great distances to find our almond milk chai lattes and cruelty-free, soy-free, gluten-free earth-friendly cupcakes and faux-buffalo wings. Please consider a Lord Of The Fries stall next time, Soundwave.

4. Carbon Footprint

Trucks, planes, trains, automobiles! Leather seats, countless bugs being slaughtered all for the sake of a traveling festival. When will the cruelty end!?

5. Non-pet friendly atmosphere

We love animals, especially puppies. We request puppies on our rider every year and yet the promoters don’t deliver. We want to bring our animal friends on tour with us – airlines make us sedate them and put them in crates. Animals are people too. When are human people going to realise this?

I Killed The Prom Queen’s new album Beloved is out this Friday through Warner Music.

Soundwave 2014 dates and venues

Brisbane at RNA Showgrounds – Saturday, February 22

Sydney at Olympic Park – Sunday, February 23

Melbourne at Flemington Racecourse – Friday, February 28

Adelaide at Bonython Park – Saturday, March 1

Perth at Arena Joondalup – Monday, March 3