Jay and Silent Bob Get Old @ The Enmore Theatre, Sydney (23/04/2012)

Jay and Silent Bob are at the centre of the View Askewniverse (the somewhat fictionalised, alternate, universe based around the New Jersey neighbourhood we first saw in Clerks). Jay is sometimes rude, generally crude, and almost always verbose. Silent Bob is, as his name suggests, small on words but large on wisdom, except at the times he is not. These are the film characters at least, but what will they be like in real life. In the films they have a fascination with drugs, sex, and pop culture, and that is perhaps not too distant from their real life counterparts, friends Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith.

Mewes is mostly an actor, using the term in a sense as loose as Kevin Smith’s ever expanding pants, and Smith is the guy who made Alanis Morrissette a god in Dogma; killed off Jennifer Lopez in Jersey Girls; and was the rotund forensic assistant Jack Kirby in Daredevil.

The Enmore Theatre was sold out for the show and, when the music stopped and the smoke machine pumped (yes, there was a smoke machine for the entrance), it became clear the audience was packed with ravenous fanboys and fangirls. The reception for the pair was insane and I thought I was at a football grand final. Kevin Smith’s wife, Jennifer, introduced the pair and the crowd went wild again.

Smith and Mewes took their spots, set up a laptop and camera and started their spiel. This was the first of the final three shows in Australia. Smith compares the final shows to a Star Wars trilogy, and hopes it will be A New Hope, not The Phantom Menace. First up was Mewes detailing his attempts to have sex on Bondi Beach with his wife. Mewes likes to be physical in his descriptions and it is not enough to describe the events, he needed to act them out on stage.

It is clear that Smith lives on the internet. When the dialogue cut back to Smith, he started reading his favourite tweets from the day, several of which were from people in attendance.

Smith and Mewes take turns telling tales during the two hours of the show. Smith mostly talks about his work and dope smoking while Mewes concentrates on sex and drugs, including his many years as a drug addict before going clean. The relationship between Smith and Mewes was interesting. When Mewes is talking, Smith will interrupt but when Smith talks, Mewes is quiet, punctuating the stories with facial expressions.

Smith does the Australian accent he learnt from The Simpsons and Muriel’s Wedding. Mewes talks about his almost foursome, then threesome, then twosome, while on drugs. Smith sings a call and response song about anal sex with the audience, in response to an earlier tweet from an audience member, backed by Mewes’ table percussion. Mewes talks about his night on cocaine at Malibu Beach. Smith tells us that Ben Affleck’s wife, Jennifer Garner, doesn’t like him, and also how Affleck provided a quote to advertise Red State (Smith’s latest, and rather good, film). Some stories had potential, but few were genuinely funny. A night with friends at the pub is likely to yield more laughs. Even Mewes’ cautionary fables about drugs were tame compared to what many of us have seen. There was a discussion on how to remove a vibrator from Mewes’ ass that was more puerile than entertaining. The crowd laughed at everything anyway, like they were a living sitcom laugh track. The final spot of the night involved four male members of the audience, who had all tweeted earlier, acting out sex positions with Mewes, including the Tim Tam Slam and A Dingo ate my Labia.

Jay and Silent Bob get old is a lot like a Kevin Smith movie. There is a lot of talking, some of it funny, some of it unnecessarily protracted, some of it vulgar, and Ben Affleck may make an appearance. It’s highly recommended for fans, others enter at your own risk.