Haters gonna hate: A guide to hating end-of-year lists
Sick of the end-of-year listomania? Couldn’t really care less who played the best harmonium solo on a home-recorded demo tape in 2012? Here’s a foolproof guide to hating on all those mind-numbing lists. You know, like Best Cover Art, Best Albums, Best Videos, Biggest Controversies, Worst Album Covers, Guiltiest Pop Pleasures – should we go on?
“Derp! That album came on a limited edition cassette in Turkey in December last year”
Thanks to the magic of the internet everyone now can now download every album that has been released. This includes limited edition albums released on a series of 7” singles exclusively on the Estonian black market. Anyone that hasn’t downloaded and listened to every single album released in the past year is a casual music fan at best and is therefore ineligible from voting in an end of year a poll.
Only albums released between the apex on the projectile of your annual New Year’s vomit and the precise moment of sheer terror 12 months later when you realise you’ll be alone again as the clock strikes midnight are eligible for inclusion on the list. Note: “New Year’s” refers to perfect midnight as counted by an atomic clock working by the Gregorian calendar.
“Not enough Aussies!?”
Rock’n’roll ain’t noise pollution but any sound made by a musician without a kangaroo on his passport is. As an Australian child you are taught to identify three noises: The howl of a dingo, the crack of a tinnie and the sound of leather on willow. All other noises are irrelevant until the age of 14 when you are taken on a mythical pilgrimage to “The Coast” with only a mixtape of AC/DC, Chisel and Midnight Oil for company. Why would anyone choose to damage their hearing by exposing themselves to foreign sounds?
“Too many Aussies!?”
Australians make up roughly 0.33 of the world’s population so therefore Australian albums should have the same representation on end of year lists. A truly representative list would have slightly more records from Mozambique, Yemen and North Korea than from Australia. There should be at least nine Chinese albums on the Top 50 countdown and any list that fails to recognise the important and groundbreaking work being released by bands from Myanmar, Poland and Uzbekistan ahead of Australia’s is simply racist.
“Sure my favourite album of the year has had no press coverage this year but I really thought it would make it into the lists!”
The perfect time for the media to finally recognise the brilliance of your favourite album is of course in their end of year list. Just because they neglected to cover news about the band’s tour, their new album or the death of their lead singer you should still assume that the band will be included on their end of year list. Continued ignorance is a travesty.
“Oi soff coks! Where’s the fkn metal?!”
There is never enough metal. NEVER. \m/
“Predictable. I knew you’d include that critically acclaimed and commercially successful record. You’re just sheep”
The events of the year shouldn’t have any bearing on the results of an end of year list and the wave of critical and popular opinion should have no bearing on the selection of the year’s best records. A consensus is just a con of the senses. Think about it.
“Did any one actually listen to Blatant Winds, Aztec Fireman or Eyeball Villains – they’re so clearly the best albums of the year!”
Well did they?! Seriously that Blatant Winds album is ridiculously good; probably the best Hungarian chill-step release since the Borrowed Creatures debut For Those Pygmies. Yep, that good.
“I believe this is the perfect time to regurgitate my first year philosophy notes on the nature of subjectivity.”
Anyone who managed to attend a lecture with a title like Visions of Time and Space: Perceptions of Rationality should be able to destroy all comers in an argument about end of year lists. Their nuanced understanding of Freudian Subjectivity or “Subliminaljectivity” is a great asset in directing their hate.
“Just hipster bullshit”
The hipster is the Nazi of today. Not because they’re an evil bunch of bastards killing millions of people, just because it’s a simple one-size-fits-all insult.
“Why must we constrain music choices to such limited linear calendar-based constraints?”
Music is a joyous personal expression that shouldn’t be placed in narrow boxed marked with a series of numbers. The system calendar system that we’re forced to inhabit is simply a constraint placed on us by petty patriarchal interests.
“Music is not a competition”
Bands are not sportspeople. They don’t put out records to break world records – unless they’re The Flaming Lips. They don’t wake up at 5am and practice all day to improve speed and dexterity – unless they’re Yngwie Malmsteen. They don’t take banned substances in order to get an edge over their opponents – unless they’re Tame Impala. Hang on. Maybe that’s why they win so many of these damn polls?
“This list is perfect!”
Said no one ever.
Even if the list does some how manage to miraculously include every one of your 50 favourite albums of the year there’s no reason not to join in the celebration of bitterness. Remember your motto: #allnegativeallthetime and find fault. Is the list really in the correct order? Wasn’t that Swedish metal record at least three places better than that folk act from Nova Scotia?
As a final resort you can also question the reasoning. Did the people putting together the list appreciate the albums for the right reasons – that amazing break down on the third track – or did they just listen to those big singles?