What your favourite Splendour In The Grass 2017 band says about you

Stereotyping is not a nice exercise, but there’s simply no denying that fans of Queens Of The Stone Age and The Smith Street Band are probably a little different to those that will be swaying away at Bonobo or Gretta Ray. Or who knows, maybe you like all of those acts – in which case you’ll find yourself in a few of the below descriptions. 

After conducting hours of extremely serious and rigorous scientific research we can exclusively reveal the identities of the fans who will be in the front row for a number of acts on the Splendour in the Grass lineup. You just can’t argue with science.

THE XX – You cry after sex

QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE – You still comment ‘rock is dead’ on music sites

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM – This is your first music festival since 2005

BAG RAIDERS – This is your first music festival since 2007

HAIM – You wear a lot of velvet

SIGUR RÓS – You think music is better played backwards

SCHOOLBOY Q – You still talk about the year Outkast headlined

VANCE JOY – You bought a ukulele in 2013, but you never played it

 Your other favourite band is Bloc Party

PEKING DUK – You’ve definitely partied on a boat at least once

RL GRIME – You secretly miss dubstep

BONOBO – You broke up with your ex after they mistook IDM for EDM

FATHER JOHN MISTY – You love telling people you finished reading Finnegan’s Wake

CATFISH AND THE BOTTLEMEN – You’ve definitely busked ‘Wonderwall’ at some point

TASH SULTANA – Your crystal necklace collection is your most prized possession

PAUL KELLY – You always add a dollop of tomato sauce to your gravy

STORMZY – You’ve never been to London but your fam is well safe, bruv. Tings.

GEORGE EZRA – You like your pop with a dash of cognac

TOVE LO – You like your pop with a dash of sexual politics

BIG SCARY – You like your pop with a dash of Melbourne

FUTURE ISLANDS – You steal the AUX cord to put on Depeche Mode at house parties

BANKS – You haven’t laughed since 1998

BERNARD FANNING – You swirl your wine glass and inspect its glean before taking a sip. You’re bringing a picnic basket to Splendour.

DUNE RATS – Every day at 4:20 you yell out “HAPPY FOUR TWENTY” and chortle. Eshays.

CUT COPY – You remember pre-lockouts Sydney and you make sure everybody around you knows this

ÁSGEIR – You miss the old Bon Iver

ALLDAY – You’re trying to bring back the turtleneck

MEG MAC – You make mixtapes for Mother’s Day

THUNDAMENTALS – You listen to Aussie hip hop while doing yoga

LIL’ YACHTY – You’ve never been outside. Your homepage is SoundCloud

SAN CISCO – Your usual getup is high-waisted jeans and a crop top

KINGSWOOD – …and leather jackets

CLIENT LIAISON – Fans of over 28s club nights who still crack Christopher Skase jokes

D. D. DUMBO – You go to gigs wearing button up shirts and cardigans

KING GIZZARD AND THE LIZARD WIZARD – You grew up with King Crimson and Pink Floyd posters on your bedroom wall

POND – These too:

THE SMITH STREET BAND – You have very strong opinions about which is the best beer you can get in a four-pack for $12 or less

A.B. ORIGINAL – You would’ve voted for Bernie

DOPE LEMON – You probably haven’t bathed in a while

THE KITE STRING TANGLE – When you do bathe, you cry about your ex

JULIA JACKLIN – You read Pitchfork but pretend you don’t

AMY SHARK – You own Missy Higgins ‘The Sound Of White’ on CD

LUCA BRASI – You ripped your shirt in a mosh once and kept it for the mems

OCEAN GROVE – You have ten of those shirts

ROYAL BLOOD – You bought the shirts pre-ripped from General Pants

SLUMBERJACK – You argue about what the precise definition of “future bass” is

HOCKEY DAD – You miss Hungry Kids Of Hungary

KIRIN J CALLINAN – Once, you tried playing your guitar with a pepper shaker

GRETTA RAY – You recently bought a giant felt hat on impulse

Splendour and the Grass 2017

Friday 21, Saturday 22, and Sunday 23 July

North Byron Parklands – Tweed Valley Way, Wooyung

Check out the full lineup for Splendour In The Grass 2017 here.

Photo credit: Jack Toohey/inthemix