Bluejuice’s Top 10 Tips For Surviving University
Bluejuice’s Top 10 Tips For Surviving Uni
You wouldn’t think that a band who so often affectionately refer to their audience as ‘c*nts’ would have had any sort of formal education at all, let alone tertiary. But we have, so there. Here’s our guide to surviving university.
#1 WASH YOUR PANTS
Just do it, and do it more regularly than you think you need to.
Look, it’s university, and so you’ll probably find yourself in a situation where alcohol is being served. Occasionally you might find that the alcohol is being served from a tube connected to a man’s anus, or from a glowing metal stein that appears to be melting. It’s university life. It’s normal. Dive in.
#3 PLAY SOME KIND OF SPORT
Yes, amassing headshots during online first-person shooters until 5am counts as a sport.
#4 STUDY, YOU LAZY FUCK
“Honestly, do you know how much we forked out for this degree of yours? Do you know how much we sacrificed for you? Can you begin to comprehend how disappointed we are with you? WE HAVE NO SON!” Etc.
#5 NAME DROP 19TH CENTURY RUSSIAN AUTHORS AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY
#6 AVOID STIs
Apparently these days universities are awash with disease; every person you meet is a probably a boiling cauldron of infections, the very air you breathe in a tutorial is comprised of 90% microbial crabs. Get yourself a fire suit and a snorkel.
#7 EAT FRUIT
How nice are plums?
#8 FORM A BAND
But when you name your band, try to spend more than 30 seconds thinking about what you’re going to call it. Trust us.
#9 MAKE FRIENDS WITH THAT OLD GUY
You know that guy – he’s 15 years older than everyone else, and he wears a look of both desperation and determination on his weathered face. He’s probably also our old drummer, who is currently doing his twelfth Honours Degree. Be nice to that guy. He knows what to do.
#10 STOP PROCRASTINATING
Writing out this guide for Fasterlouder at the last minute reminded us of our entrenched procrastination issues during university. And just like at university, this guide will have an unsatisfactory word count, mangled syntax and no discernible point to it. Learn from our mistakes, kids.